Grief was and is a large part of motherhood. And we don't talk about it enough. 

 I mourned for my birth story as many of us do. I mourned for myself and my body.  I mourned for women generations before me, for how far we have been removed from our bodies and Nature. Being told HOW to birth, even though our bodies have been naturally built for it. Only focused on the fear of pain and discomfort and forgetting the honor, intuition and partnership birthing takes.

Within the same breath, LIFE felt like it was ending but also that it had finally just begun. Thinking about my old life filled with Self and comparing it to this miraculous opening. Realizing that I am a bridge for Creation itself, carrying a soul from one side to the other. 

 How could I ever doubt my power again?

Yet grief still found me. 

Grieving a life that once was, yet eager to let motherhood unfold me. I've never felt so trapped. Realizing that there is never going back. Yet, in a state of ecstasy for the opportunity to discover a new life that was ahead of me with my daughter. 

Grieving time for myself

Grieving my body and everything that is being asked of it

Grieving a perspective of life

Realizing that motherhood isn't only miraculous, but also lonely. Feeling empty at times, then fulfilled in ways never imagined. 

Having days filled with laugher and beauty of this little creation

To days that you feel unseen.

Coming face to face with innocence and grieving that loss within yourself.

Grieving my infant self and younger parts

Yet..reminding myself that this is a season of life. 
And there will be a time I miss THIS season.

 Motherhood is a dichotomy. It is duality. It is opposing forces meeting and swirling within your heart. Because where there is grief, there is courage. Courage to become a Mother. Courage to step into this unknown. Courage to allow your child to open your heart as you rearrange everything you once thought was true. Courage to love this deeply. 

In order to experience grief, you must first experience love. Through the process of honoring this grief, I have pulled at a string that unraveled a deeper story. A deeper understanding of love for myself and the capacity to hold it. The love in which I now give is more rich with vitality. 

Surrendering to Motherhood and allowing it to open me while remaining curious... is the journey my heart has yearned for. Not knowing grief would meet me here, yet I am grateful for the lessons it brings. 

... to Violet.